Let's Talk about Self-Doubt & Transition!

Let’s talk about self-doubt and transition! Cishet folks hate that we have it and most trans folks hate it because we want their validation, but let’s face it - so many of us in the trans community feel it and you know what, that’s perfectly okay!

Everyone should feel self-doubt about their gender, because gender is made up! It’s all an elaborate maze of power & socialization, and to not feel doubt about gender it to submit to generations and generations of stale colonialist, imperialist, racist ideology.

Imagine if cis folks doubted and questioned their gender as much as trans folks do. What a world we would live in! Image being born into a world where your genitalia does not equal a color, and a series of characteristics. Just imagine! Yeah, no wonder trans people have lots of self-doubt and lots of worries around “physically” transitioning, because before you ever hop out of the womb you are prescribed a color, a name, a character, that you had no say in constructing.

Trans folks, please do not ever question your “transness” or your worthiness in the “trans community” because you have doubts about medically/physically transitioning. Instead, I ask you to thank yourself for questioning your gender - imagine if we all did. The world would be such a better place for it.

And to the cisgender (non-trans folks) reading this, you are welcome. The trans/queer movement is a liberation project for us ALL; not just for trans folks. We are doing this for all of you. So your kids, and your kids’ kids, don’t have to deal with your very stale, very tacky and very boring ideas of gender.

Queer Trans Interdependency

Some thoughts about interdependency and the trans/gender non-conforming experience(s). There is so much talk of “when you truly love yourself, only then will you be able to find love,” “when you feel whole and at one with yourself, only then will you be able to welcome love into your life.” This is a bunch of cishet ableist privilege.

How does one construct a sense of self & desirability when everything and everyone tells you that you and your body are worthless? When every piece of media tells you that your body is a conundrum deserving of persistent questioning. When your body elicits violence.

Do you understand the project of desirability for a queer trans person is a project of insurmountable odds? Do you understand that self-love is not viable for all of us, and the assumption that it is, is cishet ableist privilege?

It is okay to need someone else in order to love yourself. Interdependency is not weakness; it is honest, and it is vulnerable, and the world needs more of it.

Independence is overrated and deeply rooted in colonialist & capitalist projects. It is okay to need another to affirm yourself. It is okay. It is REALLY okay. No amount of ab workouts, kale smoothies, yoga, personal development, blah, blah, blah, can replace the deep human need to be seen, fully, by another.

Queer Reproduction

Queer Reproduction

Reproduction seems like the very foundation of everything. It is, sort of, everything. It is why I can type this, think this, be this. But, reproduction, like all things in nature, is not one-dimensional. It is as multifaceted as nature itself. It is chaos. For so many though reproduction is rather, well, simple. It is the literal birth of another being. For so many, this is the essence of existence. For far too many, this is the essence of worth. For me though, and for many other queer and trans folks, this cannot be the essence of our existence or our worth. If it were, that would be unbearable. For someone with a body that is a seeming contradiction, reproduction has come to mean something very different to me. Reproduction cannot mean the birthing of another being. For me, it is the birthing of another way.

I follow this ethos whenever the hegemonic powers that be, subliminally tell me, I have little to no worth, because I cannot, or will not, reproduce as my body “intended.” Darwin’s birthing of the concept of evolution has evolved the human species more than evolution itself. In such a short span of time, humanity has reconfigured its very understanding of itself because of a 502-page book entitled, "The Origin of the Species."

Queer and trans existence then seems to me like the rebuttal of hegemonic, reproductive powers. Queer and trans existence, those who have been both blessed and burdened with this identity, are the pioneers of a new way. Raising human intellect just by being, just by existing. Repaving the cobbled human roads that have taken us here, but have not taken us far enough. Reconfiguring how humans see themselves. Queer and trans folks have the potential for reproduction in its most rudimentary sense, but also have the additional power to reproduce and reconfigure via thought. The parents of a future where “gender” is a source of liberation, rather than suffocation. Giving birth to a new future. Giving birth to another way.

Author: Jamie DiNicola Instagram: @jamiedinicola